Let Me Clear Something Up

Okay, I know my last post sounded really depressing but let me clear something up: I'm not depressed. I promise. Do I feel lonely at times? Yes. Do I feel discouraged? Yes. But I want you all to know (all three or four of you who read this) that I am still hopeful. I know that this is only temporary and I am trying and will continue to try to make the most of it. So don't worry, I am not crying myself to sleep every night. Yay!! Love you all!

(but I do write a pretty convincing story, right? Props to all my high school English teachers.)

And so it goes...

Well, I'm not gunna lie; its been pretty non-eventful in my neck of the woods. 

Once the relatives took off I slipped into a pathetic and prosaic daily routine of sleeping in late, wandering aimlessly around the house, casually looking for a job here and there with no hopes of finding one, occasionally working out (when in the mood), staying up entirely too late watching whatever movies or late night shows happened to be on, and then catching enough sleep to build up the energy in order to restart the whole process in the morning ... or mid-morning. I would be lying if I said I enjoy it.

 I've been a busy person my whole life, whether its by nature or by very strong outer influences (thanks mom and dad) I don't know, but I never seem to have a problem finding something to bide my time with. Whether its work, school, dance, voice, choir, plays, church or being with friends...whatever!-up until about a month ago my life has been jam-packed with activities and events galore! Although it is a hectic and spontaneous way of living and I always felt sleep-deprived (I usually do), I can't say I ever recall feeling bored. There was always some event to be getting ready for. I remember feeling that there is no end to getting ready for events. I would spend, and still do spend, hours and hours preparing for a concert or a play or a recital and saying to myself in the thick of it all, "once I get this over with, I can relax." 

Wishful thinking. 

I would tackle and conquer one major event only to be confronted with 10 more in its place! I could've sworn about a month ago that this lazy, non-dynamic, "care-free" life that I'm living now would be wonderful! Just think of all the time I would have to spend with friends, catch up on good movies, workout, take dance classes, sleep (very important); you know, the big stuff in life. Well, now its come! I have all the free time in the world!...and I have nothing to fill it up with. I could go through all of the "somethings" on my living-it-large list that have now turned into "nothings", but I won't bore you with that. I will say that I miss that feeling of always having something to do, someone to help, something to improve on. I suppose there are things I could do; my laundry, clean my room (to mom and dad: yes I know and I am preparing for the jazz festival)... but it doesn't hold the same satisfaction when you finish it. There's no sense of accomplishment in saying that you've completed a task in which you've helped no one and not seen or spent any quality time with a good friend or family member. Yes, the room is clean, it looks sweet and lovely and actually resembles the dwelling place of an energetic and ambitious young adult rather than a hobo (AKA starving college student). But, there is still a hole that isn't quite full. I miss so many "somethings" that I used to have or are just unavailable to me at the moment. 

I guess what it comes down to is Mrs. Donohue; yes, my 12th grade AP English teacher and the smartest woman I know. I'm pretty sure that she said this sometime, and if she hasn't I'm sure she will someday-there is irony to be found in almost every situation in literature, and in life. The irony in all this is, I find myself more often than not wishing that I could jump over the fence, thinking that the grass must be greener on the other side. When my time is full and I'm constantly running at the speed of light to finish everything, all I want is to have nothing to do. Well I got my wish; I have nothing to do and there are few words to describe how empty it is. I suppose I'll go back to school and occasionally find myself pining for just a day or two of nothing. But until then..

95 days left.