So I'm supposed to be doing some amazing yoga right now because I live in Southern California and it's my day off. So...that's what I'm supposed to be doing, right? But I feel very compelled to write down a few things. And share them. (Lucky you!)
It all started when I read (yet another) Facebook post about a friend/acquaintance leaving the church. I've come across a few of these on Facebook in recent months. People I know well or people I've only met in passing boldly declaring their separation from the Mormon church. The hardest to hear about being one of the elders I served with on my mission. They all have their reasons and I'm not here to debate those reasons or why I feel, very much so, that they've been tricked by the wrong sources and wrong people. (Although I do have some strong feelings on that subject). I do, however, feel passionately about the things I know to be true. Probably just about as passionately as others feel about them being untrue. So, I want to tell you what I know.
I know that church history is riddled with strange facts, unsettling stories, poor decisions and costly mistakes. I know that we're brought up to revere prophets and apostles. Many of them are men to be respected and admired! However, let us also remember, as difficult as it may be, that they were also men. And imperfect to boot. Let's be careful that we don't place them on a pedestal so high that it becomes precarious, and even the slightest whisper of a fault will send it crashing down. That being said, let's also be forgiving. Many of us would have made similar, strange, decisions had we been in their shoes. The church was young. And not only that, it was a different time. A very different time. We all look back at the 90's, a decade less than 20 years behind us, and say, what were we thinking?! So shouldn't it follow that we won't understand perfectly decisions that were made in an era more than 150 years behind us? These men, and women, did their best. I have no doubt about that. I don't know all the details of church history and I don't care to. I don't feel the need to go rummaging through an imperfect someone's life to find out if the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. They are unrelated in my mind.
I know that God is real. I've felt this so many, many times, and it is, without a doubt, the strongest part of my testimony. I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. Even as I sit here writing this I can feel His love. I remember one time on my mission my companion and I were getting ready to go out for the day and I couldn't find a bracelet of mine. Now...who really cares about a bracelet? But this was a gift from someone very dear to my heart, and I wore it every day. I needed to find that bracelet! So, even though we were behind schedule (go figure) I kept looking. But I had this nagging feeling that we just needed to go; that if I just got to work, I would find it. I decided that was ridiculous. I kept looking. The same feeling came back. This cycle repeated itself a few times before I, begrudgingly, walked with my companion out the door and to the car. I could feel my eyes watering. "Why am I crying?" I thought. "It's JUST a bracelet." I opened the door to get in the car, and there was my bracelet on the driver's seat. To others, maybe even you, this is an insignificant story. To me, it means I'm loved. By someone who cares about all of me, my joys, my fears, my life, and the things in it. Even bracelets.
I know Jesus Christ is real. In the same way I've felt my Father in Heaven's love for me, I have felt His. I know that He cares for us in a way that is unique to any other being who has ever, or will ever, live on the Earth, because of what He did for us. I love Him more than I can adequately express. In some of my darkest times and deepest sadness, I've felt Him there. The last five years of my life haven't been a cake walk. At least not for me. On paper they probably look like a cake walk. They're probably even laughable to some. But I've had a lot of dark days. Days when I was so overwhelmed by confusion, self-doubt, depression or anxiety that it was almost paralyzing. It took all my energy on some of those days just to get myself out the door and go through the motions. But it was in those low times - you know the kind...where curling up in the fetal position and crying for hours seems more relevant than any other task you have on your to-do list that day - it was in those moments that I really came to know that I do have a Savior. He is real. He was probably closer to me in those times than I will ever realize. And I love Him.
I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I preached and testified and prayed with people about this for a year and a half. I asked the same question of God myself, and I got my answer. I've had my moments just like anyone. Because...Joseph Smith's story is crazy. Miraculous, but crazy. For me, it all comes back to that first thing I know: I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. If He loves me, and I know and trust He does, why would He lead me down a path, in a church for so many years without warning, or leading me somewhere else that is more correct? God would not do that to His children. He won't do that to me.
I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I know it. I live it. Which is probably the most powerful testimony I could give you.
A common thread I've seen with people who walk away is that they have made this decision based on "research" they've done about the church. I can't sit here and condemn them for that. But I never hear or read of anyone who decided to pick up the Book of Mormon just one more time. I have yet to hear in someone's exiting statement that they really poured out their heart to God when they were thinking about leaving the church, or even one mention on prayer. I never hear them say, so I decided to put my whole soul into living the gospel just one more time. Now...maybe they did do that. I don't know. But it seems to me that if they had, it would've made an appearance in their lengthy Facebook statuses along with their other "research", and maybe, just maybe, those statuses wouldn't have been written. They also all claim it is in pursuit of a happier life and that they are, indeed, happier now. Well, who am I to dispute? It is all about "whatever makes you happy" these days. And I'm all about a happy life, don't get me wrong. But I don't care who you are, what lifestyle you choose to live, or where you choose to live that lifestyle - sadness and trials will come, regardless. They'll come to the Buddhist, Atheist and Mormon alike. They don't come because of your faith, or lack thereof...they come because you're human. And you're living a life.
Alright, I think I've rambled on long enough. Those are a few things I know, and some more things that I think, inspired by a few things people have claimed to be untrue. Just know that I know. And I choose to live my life, whatever it may bring, as a believer in the gospel of Jesus Christ.